As well as organising what turned out to be quite an awkward ending dinner with the under-age Birmingham Boy, I had also recently started talking with Dino - An italian guy I met online.
I knew I was tempting fate with Dino - but after everything I had been through previously with the guys I had met, I was ready to throw caution to the wind... I mean, how much worse could it get?
Again, rather than dragging out weeks online, we organised to meet within a couple of days of chatting... He seemed like a nice enough guy; into good music, worked "in banking", and "got to the gym when he could..." - Sadly, it had gotten to the stage where you simply couldn't judge a guy on these things anyway, so I figured (like ripping off a band-aid) better to just meet him and be done with it... whatever happens, happens!
Sticking to my new gameplan, I suggested brunch down the bay - We'd had beautiful weather over the last few days and the sunny outlook seemed like it was going to continue long into the weekend. We organised an 11am meet for coffee, and we'd take it from there...
----
Waiting on the corner we agreed on (out the front of Optus... because he "knew that Optus"... as he didn't get down to the bay that often) I checked the time on my phone - 10.55am - He hadn't arrived yet, and I guess I was early... Looking around, I couldn't spot anyone that looked remotely like the guy I'd seen in Dino's profile photograph: a shorter guy, seemingly broadish build, early thirties, shaved head... olive skin...
At 11am on the dot, a car pulled up right infront of the corner I was standing on, and Dino climbed out of the back seat with a cautious, seemingly nervous stumble. He slammed the door and waved off the driver who appeared to be an older lady. She waved back and took off into the traffic with a slow, sunday-driver attitude.
I took in the sight that stood before me and my breath caught in my throat. Dino was dressed head to toe in Ed Hardy... Ed Hardy shoes... Ed Hardy jeans... an Ed Hady Hoody... an Ed Hardy baseball cap... He looked like somone had taken to him with several cans of spray-paint and gone to town turning him into a walking fashion victim - It was Ed Hardy overkill... I didn't know where to look!
Imaginary Josh shook his head in utter disbelief in my minds eye - This is what you get... I thought. I dare you to ask him if he likes Ed Hardy...
"Hey!...." I greeted him with a handshake "Wow... dropped off? Lucky you..."
"Yeah... Mum wanted to drive me in..." Dino replied flatly. "She's funny like that..."
"Oh?..." I paused, completely lost for words "Nice..."
"Yeah..." he shuffled his feet on the spot. "Should we walk somewhere?..."
We walked.
Dino was nervous as hell to the point where I probably could have smelt his fear if it wasn't for the completely overpowering smell of his cologne - He must have bathed himself in Davidoff Cool Water - and I thought only Italian guys did that in school... It was so strong I think I gagged as we were crossing the road to the local Cibo Cafe. I chose an outside table - Thank god for sea breezes!
"So..." I continued "...Ed Hardy fan?"
Imaginary Josh shook his head again - You idiot...
Dino looked at me blankly "...Huh?"
"You like Ed Hardy..." I rephrased - More of a statement this time than a question.
"Yeah, why?"...
Why? Alarm bells started ringing in Mission Control - Imaginary Josh flipped through our Conversation Hand-book - Why? If not for the simply attempt at trying to start conversation, Dino's reply of "Why" seemed all together on the defense...
"Why...?" I smiled "...Just asking"
Awkward pause
"Wow!..." Dino suddenly exclaimed. "You've got really white teeth!"
"I... I do?" I stammered, completely taken aback by such a random comment.
"Yeah, they're so white!..."
Another awkward pause. Imaginary Josh sighed.
"Lucky me..." I chuckled - More in reference to the killer situation I'd landed myself in than my apparently dazzling white smile. We'd been chatting for 3 minutes and I'd already decided I wanted out of this one... I eyed my mobile sitting on the table.
Drinks. Get us drinks.
"Thirsty...?" I asked
"Not really..."
God, this was like pulling fucking teeth - really white teeth...
"No?..." I continued "You don't want anything at all?"
Dino's phone buzzed on the table - He picked it up and read the front screen.
His face visibly lit up. "Its my mum..." he smiled.
He diverted the call. His mother must have dropped him off only 5 minutes ago - I couldn't imagine why she was calling him again so soon. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. The fact that I was possibly sitting across the table from Psycho's Norman Bates wouldn't surprise me... but at least this guys mother was alive - I'd seen her drop him off when we first met!
"So... nothing to drink?" I said, standing. I wanted to get out of there.
"Um... I'll have a baby cino" he replied quietly.
A. Baby. Cino. Imaginary Josh raised an eyebrow. Real Josh followed suit.
"A baby cino...?" I asked, clearly confused that I may had misheard him.
"Yeah, why?"
Again with the why! Why? Because you're 30 years old, and despite the fact you're dressed like a teenager with too much money I figured you were past drinking frothed milk dusted with cocoa...
"Why...?" I stammered again. "...Coz it's my shout... I'll go get some drinks..."
"Okay."
I grabbed my phone and literally ran into the cafe. B-lining for the mens bathroom, I speed-dialed my wingman - it diverted straight to message bank - Bastard! I shot off a text message:
This is a fucking disaster and I want to kill myself before he gets the chance - I have "really white teeth" - I think he wants to bash me unconscious and take them - Call me!
I moved back out and ordered a hot chocolate and baby cino.
"Do you want a marshmallow with the baby cino...?" the waitress asked. I glanced out to Dino, who was talking on his mobile. I shrugged, and nodded. I got him the marshmallow. As I walked back to our table, Dino hung up his phone before I could sit down -
"I have to go..." he sighed. "...Mum wants to come pick me up"
Imaginary Josh cheered while real Josh feigned concern.
"...Is everything okay? Wow... okay..." I muttered. I placed the Baby Cino before him and sat with my Hot Chocolate. Secretly, I was annoyed the waitress didn't offer me a marshmallow too, but I guess she figured I wasn't a 6yo girl drinking a Baby Cino.
"...Mum's just a bit over-protective"
"No kidding..." I replied. Fuck it, this was weird, I didn't care now if I offended him.
"...and I don't drive so I have to be nice to her." he continued
"I see..."
"...She's annoyed with me because she wanted to go shopping today..."
"Uh huh..."
"...and I kind of owe her"
"Nah, no worries... I don't want you getting into trouble with her!" I laughed... Half jokingly.
"Yeah... I know!" he nodded.
We slumped into awkward silence again
"So is she coming to pick you up?" I asked, sipping my hot chocolate.
"She's already here..." he muttered, his Baby Cino sitting untouched in front of him.
A chill ran down my spine - Was she watching us? Was she watching her little boy? Hell, she could have had a gun trained on me for all I knew...
"Shes... here...?" I quickly scanned the neighbouring roof tops.
"Yeah..." he spoke flatly "...She's waiting in the car"
Of course she was...
Dino stood up and grabbed his mobile and keys from the table
"Well..." I breathed.
"Yeah, sorry - I gotta go"
"Yup..." I popped my lips. "Keep in touch, dude..."
"Yeah, seeya"
And like that, Mama's Boy was gone in a flash of Ed Hardy and Cool Water. I watched him walk away, pulling his hoody on over the top of his baseball cap.
My phone buzzed. It was my wingman.
I answered.
"Dude, you're too late!" I laughed
"Huh? You messaged me 2 minutes ago..."
"I know!" I laughed again, just as much in shock as I was relief
"What happened?!"
"...His Mother..." I said, shaking my head "...His mother happened!"
I looked at the time on my phone - I had probably been at the bay for all of 15 minutes - and staring at the untouched Baby Cino sitting across from me, I leant over and grabbed the marshmallow. I ate it with a smile.
"Dude..." I chuckled into my phone "You're not going to fucking BELIEVE this one!"
Back to the drawing board.
Again.
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