Chapter 1 - Closeted

When you’re 18, you think you’re indestructible… Just out of school, fit and healthy, no ties or commitments… and for a closeted young guy like myself, the world presented itself with a confusing fork in the road option I had only previously considered behind closed doors:
In the cold, crisp 3am darkness that Sunday morning in 1999, pushed up against the front fence of the family home with Robert, I had a sudden realisation:

“Yup…” I thought between fumbling hands and awkward kisses “…This confirms it. Im Gay.”

I knew this because; a few months before, whilst snogging Sally on her couch while her parents were out seeing a movie, my mind was anywhere BUT there snogging Sally on her couch… But there with Robert, I was so unbelievably focused and clear that there was no way I could deny it.

Now being 18, and indestructible, just out of school, fit and healthy with no ties or commitments… I was also extremely naive.

Naïve because I was completely and utterly unschooled in reality…

You see, being a gay guy growing up in a ‘straight world’ – I had completely modelled myself on a heterosexual upbringing, based on television, movies, stories I'd hear, hell even theatre! A world where a kiss meant something… a world where anything more than that meant a whole lot more… And 3 hours later, after my Sunday morning with Robert, whilst crawling into my bed with the sun coming up outside, I thought I’d found myself a boyfriend. I thought I’d found The One

Ohhhh readers – How wrong I was...

But when you’re 18 you’re so damn clueless that it’s only in retrospect you realise these things…

You see… Robert wasn’t The One…
Robert was actually an alcoholic with a chemical imbalance who was rebounding from his ex… Who actually happened to be a mutual friend of ours.

But back then… curling up in bed with his smell on my skin and the previous 3 hours racing through my head on a continuous loop… My head was giddy with the excitement that I had found a guy who was (seemingly) into me in a big way…

I’ve always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve – Anyone who knows me understands that Im an emotional guy… Happy… easily fired up… a crier… and in matters of the heart, Im no different… A quality that even now, 11 years later, I am still kicking myself for…

So when Robert suddenly disappeared for a few days without calling… My closeted self was thrust into a world of confusion and panic – Here I was, 18 years old and not out to a single person I knew (except, I suppose, Robert) I had no-one to talk to about it, no one to ask, no understanding of gay protocol…

Why hadn’t he called? Was he upset with me? Did I do something wrong? Maybe he doesn’t like me? Should I call him?

I literally drowned in questions…

But - A weekend later, Robert sms’d me. He and some friends were “going out for beers” – Would I like to come?

I was so relieved I think I replied immediately telling him I’d pick him up and drive us there myself…

Of course, drinks with Robert and his friends were great! I had a blast and couldn’t wait for things to finish so we could head home and continue what we’d started the week before with my brand new boyfriend… But over the course of the night, I watched Robert down so much heavy liquor that by the end of the night I actually had to hold him up to walk from the car to his front door, before we crashed into his bedroom and he fell into a slump on his bed…

…It was so romantic.

We awkwardly got down to business with one another… Awkward, because Robert seemingly had no motor function below the neck. He kissed like a St Bernard, all tongue and no tact - Here I was, getting naked with a guy for the first time in my life, a moment I’d fantasised about for years… I’d often thought about how things would look, how things would feel… what would happen, how events would unfold – However, what my fantasy didn’t involve was me having to untie his shoes because he was too drunk to sit up, and it certainly didn’t involve having to undress a guy lapsing in and out of unconsciousness – My knight in shining armour was slowly turning into a sad kind of homeless guy you see begging for money in the street - If that wasn’t enough to ring alarm bells for me, what happened next certainly did.

“I’ve missed you, Peter…” he slurred into my ear.
“….Huh?”
“I’ve missed you so much, Pete” he slurred again.

Pulling back from him, I had to cradle his face so he could look me in the eye without his head lolling back “My name is Josh…”

He smiled drunkedly “Yeah… that’s what I said”

Nope… My second night with my new boyfriend, and he was calling me by another name.

And not just any name… The name of his ex…

“You just called me Peter…”
“No I didn’t…”
"Dude, you did... you called me Peter"

With a drunken chuckle, his eyes closed and he literally fell into a drunken sleep right there while I was holding him up.

Oh, I’d landed myself a real dreamboat…

But… being 18… and indestructible… I had myself a boyfriend – For better or for worse… And how many other gay guys my age could say they had a 30-something professional guy on their arm? Not many… Ha! Look at me, playing grown-up! I was so adult…

So we slept…

Well… Robert slept… I just lay there wondering if I should monitor his breathing and ensure he continued to lay in the safety position lest he choke on his vomit while unconscious…

I was living the dream. Truly.

This pattern continued over weeks… My alcoholic boyfriend would call me up, and I’d drop everything and run to his side to watch him drink himself into oblivion. I would look past that – But as if being called The Ex wasn’t enough… things only got stranger…

One highlight that springs to mind was a call that came through at 4am...
"Robert?..." I answered the phone groggily...
"I've lost... my car"
"Huh...?" I sighed. I could tell he was off his face. again.
"I fuckn parked it somewhere else... I can't remember..." he slurred...
"Where are you?"
"I dunno..."
"You must know where you are, Rob..."
"Come get me..." he whined.
"I can't..." I said as I pulled on my tracksuit pants in the dark... "I don't know where you are!"
"Im by... trees... there are trees, and a light"
And after talking to him for nearly 20mins while I drove aimlessly around the city of Adelaide, I discovered him leaning up against an alley wall off of Pirie Street. Trees? A light?
Uh huh...

Our relationship blossomed - Another night of drinking… another strange night back in bed with my chemical romance:

“Just ignore them…” he whispered.
“Who?” I asked… suddenly concerned.
“The others… they just want to watch…”
I pulled back immediately and switched on the light
“Who’s watching?” I whispered… scanning his room quickly to only see clothes scattered everywhere and several empty gin bottles in the corner
“They are… but ignore them… they’re just watching” – Surprisingly, Robert appeared strangely coherent this time… He wasn’t even slurring…
“Rob…” I stopped him “…there’s no one here, dude… It’s just us”

Sitting up, Rob scanned his own dirty room and looked at me as if I was blind “I said ignore them, so just ignore them….”

So as I lay there, wondering what the hell was going on, Robert continued his normal, hasty job of trying to get himself off. It was then and only then that I realised I had perhaps gotten myself into a situation that other guys wouldn’t… or shouldn’t… Lets face it, this guy was pretty fucked!

I lay awake the entire night… staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell I’d allowed myself to get involved with while Robert slept loudly next to me, snoring and mumbling through another unconscious coma… I kicked myself - surely I was smarter than this? My first 'gay experience' was fast becoming an episode of 'Intervention' - I knew it was time to smarten up and get the hell out of there... Either way, Robert had taught me one thing – He’d taught me what I wanted… Regardless of the journey there, I had well and truly arrived in “Gay-Town” – And I much preferred to take a positive lesson away from the entire experience, rather than something else, like Chlamydia.

And as the sun rose that morning, I rolled over and shook my alcoholic hook up awake as I went to leave... “This won’t happen again…” I said, slowly so he could understand me through his drunken haze
“What wont?”
“This… Us… It won’t happen again”
By then though, he’d already fallen back asleep. He didn’t seem too heartbroken, and I was okay with that…

So I grabbed my stuff… and walking barefoot back to my car with the sun shining – I realised something I’ve remembered ever since.

This was going to be nothing like the movies…

And so it began.